( i've put up this collection of pictures before and am doing so again because new developments have been unearthed about the people in the photographs who were virtually unknown to my family and I but we knew they were family and that these pics were taken in Tennessee in the mid to late 20's. Shout out to my Wisconsin cousins who have been doing a better job of getting to the bottom of these mysteries than me. The young girl on the far left, who visits me in my dreams but never speaks, and who has become the face of this project for me in many ways( sometimes folks even ask if thats me.....) is named Gertrude. Isn't that cute? totally not the name I had imagined.)
Recently after a COIN COIN performance in Montreal at the Suoni Popolo fest, one of my favorite festivals and now hands down my faaaaaaaaavorite city, I was asked what I have learned so far about myself, my art, etc etc in putting this project together, and particularly from doing this blog. And so I thought It would be fun to just share with you a list of random stuff that has become quite apparent in the last few years of doing this.
So here goes. the list is pretty long, to make it easier on all of us for today I have just listed the top 8 so far...... what I have learned:
1. race is dumb.
categorizing folks based on melanin production and then creating all sorts of societal strata around that was just a ridiculous practice that unfortunately built the country I write this entry from ground up(obviously). But the continuation of racial separatism in the 21st century is even stupider. And I have learned throughout this that even some of my own views
were questionably archaic and left not enough room for the consideration of wider understanding( and i call myself a liberal!). Theres a lot to be said for how life experiences shape us but there is even more to be said for how we shape our life experiences. In doing this project i discovered that some of my views were shaped by others experiences, mostly my family. And while that has given me a certain sense of myself in the unfurling of it all I have really had to come to terms with getting clearer on the differences. I am telling their stories, but in most instances, their stories are not my own. There are some common threads for sure but their pain, traumas, sufferings and misgivings are theirs and theirs alone and I do not have to attach myself to them in such a way as to suffer myself. I can tell their stories in way that doesn't overly lean on the vilification of any one group of people but that just speaks to the basic cycle of human experience revolving around love, hope and loss on continual repeat. I really hope that one day cultural lines will have been crossed and recrossed genetically so much as to make us cancel these dumb categories out. I know, I know, probably only if we all became colorblind would this happen. And even then we'd probably come up with something else. Long toed people versus stubby toed people or something. life is rather ridiculous isn't it? and then we die. The jokes on who exactly?
2. How I want to view my world,despite all the cultural pushing and pulling, is entirely up to me.
I have learned that even though i might not be able to change the world, in my own life my world can reflect a more progressive way of looking at race, gender and class without delineating things on a strict rainbow spectrum, and I have learned that I can do this without holding some weird cultural grudge. this ongoing development makes me happy.
3. I'm not trying to write a blog about the 2008 presidential madness.
with the exception of a few posts i have taken down the posts about Obama. It started looking like a political screed over here, partly because as a daughter of a political scientist, possible great great grandaughter of an irish judge, and just a tree full of people that fought for the 1965 voting rights act I thought I was going in the right direction. But as much as i like Obama, waxing poetic about his political campaign doesn't really do much for my own personal thought process. If i was writing political campaign propaganda perhaps, but that's not what I'm trying to do. Besides exploring the art of sharing, I'm trying to use this as a tool to tend to some unapparent ideas about myself that i am finding through the exploration of these family stories. It's pretty apparent that I like Obama. It's apparent that I would have liked Hilary if there was no Obama. A black identified man and a white identified woman running for the highest office in this land. amazing. shocking. hopeful. enuf said.
4. Love and Friendship are really the most important
money is okay. trinkets too. but genuine love and friendship are the best, especially for those out there whose whole family scene leaves a lot less than to be desired. I mean my family is no Von Trapp musical, but it could have been worse!! I owe a lot to many of my family members for letting me pester them with family questions and letting me write about some of that stuff. But I have also made some new friendships and strengthened some old throughout this that I really value and that's made all the difference to the up and down quality of life i experience in this wacky town.( i mean its not like one big love fest, they are far and few between-- friendships in NYC are like pulling teeth sometimes.................... everyones so busy, so stressed utilizing multiple talents to do way too much etc etc etc etc that we really only have time to be friends with our somewhat empty and always dwindling bank accounts. this makes me sad.) But I have managed to hold on to few and make a few new ones in the process. I sometimes wonder what the pain will be like when everyone i write about in this project has carried on. I mean some folks are long gone but there are loved ones that remain. I only hope that when all is said done the love and companionship of good solid friendships will make it easier to share. I also hope that amongst my small group of compadres i wont be the last one standing ( selfishness, a slight attribute of mine that obviously needs some work.....) PLEASE MAKE ART WITH YOUR FRIENDS!!!!
5. It's important to write about our experiences and others as objectively as you can
this is something that I feel i have pretty much failed at. but at least doing this project I have become more aware. If you've noticed that there has been wide spaces of time between some of my blog entries it has a little to do with this. I mean my schedule has not really permitted me to do much writing but at the same time i realized that spending so much time digging in family stories that spoke of so much anguish based on the color line was starting to affect me in negative ways. In that I would start to see some simple day to day things within a similar context, as if i was in an ongoing angry Baldwin novella ( and i looove Baldwin, but "I'm just saying"(smile J)). I realized that its important to approach these stories with love and care but also just a little more space so that I can deal with the love and care of my own personal psyche.
6. I don't have to be a cultural martyr in my work or my life....
this one is kind of hard to explain but i will just say that being a cultural martyr to me has always been an underlying cornerstone quietly bolstering old school African American feminism. I see all feminists in the same boat together overall of course, but the feminist practices that I even see in the 21st century predominantly black American neighborhood i currently live in for instance, comes from a more cultural/race specific base than that of my non black feminist friends(-- again these are just my personal observations-- I think this took a more progressive turn in the 90's-- Riot Grrl/ third wave really helped to break down some of this stuff...but some still remains) It's a phenomena that has always troubled me, mainly because I have also seen the black woman martyrdom/superwoman role repeat itself in my own family tree more times than I care to really think about. ( if this makes absolutely no sense to you please read Black Macho and the Myth of The Superwoman by Michelle Wallace, though published in 1976 and vehemently criticized by male AND female leaders within the Black American community I think it speaks volumes to the whole cultural martyrdom thing I'm talking about here) I guess what I am just trying to say is that digging into these stories, pouring over these pics and all has made it clearer to me that the cultural legacy left to me is not one of the sacrificial lamb, but one more so like a never ending giving tree... giving me reminders of the importance of inner perseverance, reminding me in my work to give unabashedly; living to locate and fully embrace the small bits of joy that can grow from finding and embracing my own truths whole heartedly despite any perceived obstacles. In my work this is just translating to a new endless world of creative possibilities for me...no boundaries, no tags, no labels....really just infinite ideas....Not sure If I have explained myself well here, but hopefully you get at least a gist.
7. I don't like blogging.
honest. i love to write. i love words. but the combo of words, a computer screen and a keyboard in my little Brooklyn hovel is just not a good time. seriously. i i miss my zine, miss the paper and the possibility of spontaneous art making that can ensue. Photoshop and Indesign just lead me to a kind of artistic disconnect. call me an old fogey if you must. I will be probably ending this blog very soon and going back to writing about this stuff in my print zine. ( sorry mom) Zines are more expensive and sometimes hectic to make but still they are a lot more fun to bring to a party than my cranky dell desktop.
8. all art, or at least my art, should create experience. what the word "experience" means is entirely up to you, i could care less.Your life is entirely up to you.
in closing here is another segment of my favorite npr show( formerly based in Chicago) this American Life aptly titled Social Engineering.
A theme that I am thinking about lately in regards to my own......
